Surrendering

Forward has been my mantra.  Forward is the commitment I made to help me honor my son’s living.  Forward inspired me to compose vision statements and plan my next steps.  Forward energized me to reach out to young creatives to capture their voices. Forward pressed me to purge closets, cabinets, and drawers.  Forward pushed me to be fully present and engaged at work.  Forward compelled me to reorganize and decorate my office space.  Forward led me to fill time consuming books.  Forward urged me to create extensive daily to do lists and work my way through them.  Forward drove me to move and do- to celebrate living.

Now- right now, on this day, grief won’t let me move forward. Today, grief is forcing me to sit in silence and let the intensity of my emotions wash over and through me. I am totally surrendering to my grief now- with all of the tears, questions, and reflections.  Now- at this moment- I am sitting still with my anguish, listening to what it is trying to teach me. Now, I am deciding to embrace the complete range of my healing, the forward moments and the now days that stop me in my tracks, pushing me pause and fully feel.  Now, I am acquiescing to and documenting the sadness that immobilizes me from time to time, lest I get to the other side and forget the moments when I had to succumb to pain to heal.

I can’t stay in this place, but I can’t evade it either.   I am willing to linger long enough to listen and learn the lessons my grief is teaching me now. My pain and suffering are staring me in the face right now, and I am boldly staring right back.   I am realizing that if I don’t surrender to now, I may taint my forward. I can’t do that.  I choose beauty over bitterness. So, I am surrendering- for now.