Creating Paradise

I wake up each morning determined to find a good feeling place and maintain it as long as I can.  I’m getting better and better about soothing myself each morning, getting rid of an emphasis on doubt before it creeps in, extinguishing attention towards anger before its flames consume me, and guiding myself away from the immobilizing force of sadness before it takes root.  I’m learning to be a more deliberate creator by orienting what I observe and ponder. I have a newfound, heightened awareness that centers around how I feel.  I feel like creating paradise.

I am intentionally making sure my vibrational starting point at the dawn of each day builds a discernable momentum- a momentum that strings together thought after thought that bring me joy and ease.  And this feels good.  It feels good to consciously focus on ideas that are warm and welcoming.  I purposely linger on notions that are beautiful and vibrant.  I knowingly hold my mind on beliefs that radiate pleasure and comfort.  I am deliberately creating paradise.

I am sustaining gratitude, and it feels invigorating.  Sunrises and sunsets are even more glorious.  Birds chirping are even more melodious.  The lush green and colorful petals of plants are even more vivid.  A soak in a candle-lit bath tub is even more gratifying.  A conversation with a friend is even more delightful.  Time with my loved ones is even more satisfying.  I am creating a magnificent paradise. 

I am nourishing happiness and harmony, and it feels refreshing.  My habits of thought are transforming to worthiness, readiness, abundance, and wellness. I am translating all of this wellness into the reality of what I see, hear, and feel all around me.  I am creating the paradise that surrounds me. 

I am cultivating a now filled with generosity, creativity, laughter, celebration, uplift and synergy. I am working purposefully to expand this paradise, knowing that with each interaction, I am co-creating my now.  

I am grateful for the pure, perfect love that is my daily inspiration.  It awakened me to the full range of splendor available and stimulated me to eagerly create a glowing, brilliant, expansive paradise- that starts with where I choose to focus my thoughts.

Surrendering

Forward has been my mantra.  Forward is the commitment I made to help me honor my son’s living.  Forward inspired me to compose vision statements and plan my next steps.  Forward energized me to reach out to young creatives to capture their voices. Forward pressed me to purge closets, cabinets, and drawers.  Forward pushed me to be fully present and engaged at work.  Forward compelled me to reorganize and decorate my office space.  Forward led me to fill time consuming books.  Forward urged me to create extensive daily to do lists and work my way through them.  Forward drove me to move and do- to celebrate living.

Now- right now, on this day, grief won’t let me move forward. Today, grief is forcing me to sit in silence and let the intensity of my emotions wash over and through me. I am totally surrendering to my grief now- with all of the tears, questions, and reflections.  Now- at this moment- I am sitting still with my anguish, listening to what it is trying to teach me. Now, I am deciding to embrace the complete range of my healing, the forward moments and the now days that stop me in my tracks, pushing me pause and fully feel.  Now, I am acquiescing to and documenting the sadness that immobilizes me from time to time, lest I get to the other side and forget the moments when I had to succumb to pain to heal.

I can’t stay in this place, but I can’t evade it either.   I am willing to linger long enough to listen and learn the lessons my grief is teaching me now. My pain and suffering are staring me in the face right now, and I am boldly staring right back.   I am realizing that if I don’t surrender to now, I may taint my forward. I can’t do that.  I choose beauty over bitterness. So, I am surrendering- for now.  

The Light of Relentless Love

Relentless.  My love for Kofi Michael Merritt is captured perfectly in that one word.  I was eager to hear his plans and goals and successes.   I was also available to listen to his challenges and obstacles and perceived failures. Through a phone call, a text message, a car ride, or a walk in nature, I needed him to know that my love is actionable and unconditional. And with the March global shutdown due to Covid-19, I was able to have more time and more communication with the adult version of Kofi, who was pushing to overcome some disappointments, grapple with some life choices, and find his way.  My relentless love led me to use the time the shutdown provided to take in as much of him as I could- his gestures, his interactions, his intonations, his space, his perceptions, his knowledge, his interests, his insights, and his truth.

Relish.  I savored the moments I spent with Kofi Michael Merritt.  I am thankful for and will savor the moments I was able to share with him over the last eight months.  The time from March to November gifted me with a deeper understanding of the man he was becoming, as opposed to the little boy we raised.  I was thrilled when he would pass me one of his AirPods to listen to the music he was absorbing. I was honored to look at the designs he was creating and hear his inspirations for EcType.  I was proud when he would share his insights about history and current and events. I was intrigued when he would pontificate about the impact of generational trauma.  I was excited when we would talk about the plot and takeaways from shows we both enjoyed like Lovecraft Country and Watchmen.  I was exhilarated after our sunset walks at Yorktown Beach, Fort Monroe, Virginia Beach Oceanfront, the Noland Trail, and our neighborhood trek to Denbigh Pier.  I was thankful for excursions to Richmond where we would take photos, order take out, and meander through the city.  I will forever relish every experience.

Reflective. Kofi Michael Merritt taught me invaluable lessons.   I was fortunate to be a sounding board to absorb the observations and ruminations he gleaned from his 21 years of living.  He taught me a lot about relationships and acceptance.  He helped me to be more mindful of the alignment between action and words.  He urged me to be more accountable for the energy and attitudes I am willing to be around.   He schooled me on trauma and the importance of making deliberate decisions to heal those wounds. He showed me that it is necessary to protect the sanctity of your space with what and who brings comfort, peace, and encouragement.  He instilled in me the importance of championing the goals of those you love with support that is tangible and undeniable.  He ingrained in me the necessity of listening to understand.  As I move forward, I will consistently reflect on the lessons gleaned from my son.

Rejoice.  I celebrate that Kofi Michael Merritt is flesh of my flesh; the stories and testimonies of his impact on the life of others fill my heart with joy and pride.  I was flooded with letters, cards, keepsakes, calls, and visits from his friends and co-workers that all echoed the same sentiments:  he was kind; he was an encourager; he was genuine; he was generous; he was a visionary; he was creative. I delight in the relationships I now nurture with my son’s friends who ventured life with him.  I rejoice that my son was a beautiful human being who knew without a doubt that I loved and supported him, and I knew he loved and believed in me. 

Reborn.  Losing the earthly presence of Kofi Michael Merritt has transformed me.  My faith and science taught me that energy is neither created nor destroyed.   While my son is not here in the physical form, I have no doubt that he is soaring with our ancestors and reigning in peace.  I feel him with every sunrise and every sunset that I am now committed to beholding.  I hear his words and guidance resounding in my mind as I still myself throughout each day.  I have a clear purpose and direction birthed from the ashes of my pain, giving me a newfound power.

Resolute.  I am determined that Kofi Michael Merritt’s life will resonate and elevate others.  I will live in the light.  I vividly remember taking an evening walk with my son on the Virginia Beach Oceanfront in April; we walked in the sand of the northside of the beach.  As he ascended the steps from the sand to the concrete of the boardwalk, the lights that lined the path illuminated.  I remember thinking, yes, his path will shine brightly.  And it will; the light of his life will be a lamp unto my feet.  This October, he agreed to walk with me along the water front at Front Monroe.  During our walk, he deviated from the normal path I take, and as I followed him to unfamiliar areas I had never explored, he told me that I needed to stray off the path and be open to exploring the unknown.  He walked ahead of me, and I watched him move up a hill. I remember thinking, yes, he will ascend and achieve all of his goals. And while I never imagined his ascension would be to another realm, I am thankful that his goals are a treasure map left to inspire and guide me. 

Long live King Kofi!  I celebrate your life and am so thankful for your love and lessons.